Monday, June 24, 2013

Let's Try This Again, Shall We?

I apologize for deleting yesterday's blog post.  I had a REALLY bad day, and I thought that purging my thoughts in writing would be beneficial and therapeutic, but for some reason I felt like I rushed it and immediately regretted posting it for all the world to see.  I don't know if I felt too vulnerable, or if maybe I just didn't explain things as thoughtfully as I could have. 

Who knows.  So let me try again, and I promise this will stay up as long as the Internet exists for those lovely readers who have gone through a miscarriage, are scared of going through a miscarriage and want to know more, or for those of you who have stumbled upon my blog from wanting more info on juicing (and in that case, please go HERE, since this post will be unrelated to juicing and health in any way...).

My husband and I found out we were pregnant on May 8th.  It is also my mother-in-law's birthday, and after taking a pregnancy test (kind of on a hunch) at about 6am, it was pretty hard to call and sing happy birthday to her without exploding! 

We went to her house a week later for a birthday party, and since she kind of has baby fever by nature, I knew that if I refused a glass of wine or whatever was being served that she would immediately become suspicious.  So I went to Trader Joes and bought a cheap $2 bottle of wine, poured it out, replaced it with alcohol-free wine and brought it over, apologizing for the crassness of bringing over an open bottle of wine. :-)

The picture above is our first sonogram picture where the little bean measured 6 1/2 weeks.  We also got to see the heartbeat. 

We told our family at my daughter's birthday party (May 18th).  I bought her THIS cute little shirt and it was the last present she opened.  She had no idea why everyone blew up after she opened her shirt, but it was the best announcement EVER.  So fun.

My amazing sister-in-law (a photographer) took this picture just before the announcement.  She told me that she looked through the pictures during the party and thought "Oh man, Kristen kind of looks pregnant, she's going to hate these pictures!".  Oh, the irony.  

Moving on to the tough stuff.

I'd had some light spotting, which I'd never had with Syd, and as I was experiencing the bleeding my blood HCG numbers were being monitored.  My last recorded numbers went from around 200-300 to 900ish in a week and a half.  Those numbers should double every 48 hours.  Mine obviously didn't double, and since nobody raised the red flag, I was able to brush it off.  Numbers going up were better than nothing, right?

I went on a trip with my parents to Santa Cruz when I was just about 9 weeks.  My sister lives there, my mom grew up there. so we had a family/friend packed few days planned.  On the last day, I noticed some bleeding that looked a bit thicker than normal.  I told my mom that I needed to go to a hospital, just to ease my mind, so she took Sydney, and my dad drove me down the green mile.

Speaking of irony, my mom suffered a miscarriage at the same hospital I went to, and she was also almost 9 weeks along.

The ultrasound tech was a lovely lady with a heavy accent (Russian?).  I adored the accent, but did not appreciate the blunt, short comments.  "So, you saw heartbeat at your last ultrasound?  So, how far along are you supposed to be?".  I only gave her short answers, because my gut already knew the outcome.  She then turned the God damned monitor towards me and said "See?  You see this looks like baby?  But we see no heartbeat, and no blood flow around the fetus.  Baby is only measuring at 6 weeks."

NO.  It did not look like a baby to me.  It looked like Cthulhu, or that Zoidberg from Futurama.

And there we have it, folks.  No more baby.  I called Weston and told him there was no heartbeat after calling him a few hours earlier and telling him I was just going in for a checkup.

I got home on Sunday and called my doctor on Monday.  I had already researched my options, and I just wanted it out.  Do you realize what a MINDFUCK it is having something inside of you that is not alive anymore?  I went in that day and scheduled a d&c the next day.

I'd read the pros and cons from both options.  I just wanted it out, for my own sanity, and my only concern was having something go wrong and having future fertility issues.  My concern with the natural option was waiting up to a MONTH for my body to dispel the fetus and possibly hemorrhage during the process, THEN have to go through with a d&c anyway if it didn't all come out.

So here I am.  I've been dealing with telling my 4-year-old that there is no more baby in my belly, and my family who pretty much disowned me for my first pregnancy and was SO excited for my planned pregnancy that HEY,  sorry folks, maybe next time.

I appreciate the comments I get from personal posts like this.  Funny how I feel more comfortable telling strangers about life changing circumstances rather than my close friends on Facebook and such.