Personal Trainer Tippy Tips.

So, trainer boy has long-ago permanent injuries to his ribs and left foot.  He is also a crossfit freak.... which he can never do ever again.  He can't even run. 

Forget tire flipping, let's do stool presses!

So here I am, letting my body go to waste all of these years for NO reason (because I have absolutely no injuries and can pretty much do any kind of exercise), and there are people out there in agony because they can physically no longer do the thing they love.  Their calling.  Their precious.

I feel ashamed.  I feel like if we were cars, he would be a pristine Aston Martin.  I would be a dusty sedan with a messy interior that breaks down every few hundred miles.  Why is it SO HARD to just do what needs to be done and take care of our bodies?

                                               Trainer Boy.                                                Moi.

Anyway, I'm already sidetracked for this post.  I'm going to share a few choice factos that I've been learning from all of the "gymmies" that take their time to help me. Some of them may contradict each other, which is what SERIOUSLY fascinates me about the exercise world. 

1.)  There is no way you can follow someone else's diet/exercise plan.  After two months of totally legit, super-duper sluethy internet research by yours truly, I finally get it.  You literally have to know everything about your own body.  The outlines that trainers and bodybuilders give you is just that.  An outline.  A skeleton.  YOU have to do the work to tweak things so your body benefits as much as it can.

2.)  Buy tupperware.  Every trainer I bump into at the gym usually chats with me during a lunch break.  They open up their little storage container and I've only seen the following inside;  chicken, brown rice, veggies, quinoa.  And, repeat. 

3.)  Buy some isolate protein powder and fish oil supplements.

4.)  Figure out what to eat or drink and when.  Eat your (healthy) fattiest, carbiest meal about an hour before you do your major workout of the day (um, yeah.  Haven't figured that one out yet).  After the workout, make a shake that contains oats, egg whites, a spoon of natural peanut butter, your protein powder, and some ice.  The when and the what of the eating and the drinking is what really gets my gears turning, because EVERY SINGLE PERSON gives different advice!

Sure you can juice your spinach!  Ahh-guh-guh-guh-guh!

5.)  You HAVE to give your body 1-2 days of rest during the week. 

6.)  Have you heard the phrase "My warm-up is harder than your workout?".  Yeah, well, it's true.  Try doing a fifteen minute warm-up with one of these methods:  Elliptical.  I set it to random, enter my weight and my level, then the time to fifteen minutes.  Go at a normal pace for the first two minutes.  After that, every time the little squares on the screen are stacked at one, two, or three, you GO FOR IT.  Just kill it.  Then go back to the normal pace and repeat this method (better known as HIIT, or high intensity interval training).  Bicycle.  Ride for the first two minutes at a normal pace, then go thirty seconds of intensity with one and a half minutes of "rest".  Treadmill.  Set it at a walking pace, then kick up the elevation as high as it goes and walk uphill for ten to fifteen minutes.

She eats my workouts for breakfast.

My disclaimer?  I'm obviously not a personal trainer, dietician, or doctor.  I'm just the messenger passing along these little tidbits, because I'm really learning as I go.

Foul Mouth and Week Five...

... of THIS crazy plan, and I feel stronger!  I love walking in to my gym and straight into the weight area with confidence.  The staff is so unbelievably helpful and genuinely excited for me!

It's insane that there is this other world out there right under our noses, but most of us would rather walk into the gym, avoid eye contact with everybody, and walk straight over to the cardio machines.  I totally used to do that. 

My thinking went something like "Okay, Kristen.  Let's get this over with.  Twenty minutes of jogging.  You can do it.  Shit shit shit!  My machine is being used!  Now I have to jog right in front of someone and my butt will be jiggling right in their FACE!"

Now I think "Shit shit shit!  I hate cardio days!  Get me back over to the free weights, man!"

That is not a joke.  I have to research most of the exercises with the weights (like skullcrushers, Russian lunges, burpees, etc.  Doesn't the name 'burpee' make you want to gag?), but I am LOVING trying new things and feeling ten thousand different muscles burning that I never even knew could burn. 

Sigh.  It's awesome.

Since I spend five days a week at the gym, I haven't had time for my other love, which is vintage clothing!  My etsy shop is pretty thinned out, but I was able to get a few new items listed HERE and HERE.  If you love vintage kiddo clothing as much as I do, browse around!

Here are some more linky links if you've reached the end of the internet and you're looking for some brain food:

- Baby Bumps and Barbells

- How to make perfect hard-boiled eggs (I'm ashamed to say I never knew how!)

- 15 Things You Should Give Up to be Happy

- Supermarket Lies Revealed

I'm Not Crying, I'm Just Allergic to Exercise...

"I know now that I know nothing."

I didn't hear this phrase from anywhere, it literally just popped into my head after my first ever nausea-inducing workout with trainer girl.  Then I started bawling like a baby. 

Instead of spouting my new found knowledge to everybody about REAL exercise versus lightly jogging on the treadmill for twenty minutes, I figured it would be smart to plug that phrase into the ole' Google search engine and see what happened.

Hey!  Whaddya know?  WISDOM.

I'm sure I've subconsciously heard this phrase many times over the course of my life, but it makes me wonder why it would pop into my head NOW?  I've had to deal with much harder situations in life than just making my muscles sore. 

Regardless, I'm glad my brain decided to gift this phrase to me.  It's pretty humbling, right?  I keep pushing myself more than I ever have before when I work out with trainer girl, and I end up crying fifty percent of the time. 

After one particularly grueling regime, I had pulled a muscle and let her know.  She told me to roll this foam thingy over my muscle, and I just started sobbing.  She cocked her head to one side while I was busy apologizing and told me that exercise was spiritual, and that most of her clients cry at some point.

I'm not really religious, so I'm not going to get into religion, but I like that word. 

Spiritual.  It sounds so zen for such an intense moment. 

So the moral(s):  Knowing that I know nothing has allowed me to push myself harder than ever before.  BUT.  Keepin' it spiritual has allowed me to NOT push myself to the point of sickness, so I can take a step back and say "Hey, my muscle hurts.  I think I should cool it.", or "I'm going to puke if I push myself any harder, time to close my eyes and stand over a fan."

What's the rush, anyway?  I want a life change, so I'm going to take my sweet time and just be a sponge.  A tired, weepy, restless, sore, anxious, smelly sponge.

Sponge? No way... this gal's a ShamWow!

Eat Less, Move More.

Sounds fairly simple, right?

I know it's been a few months since I've written, but I want to be CONFIDENT in what I write regarding health (plus we've been SO BUSY here!). These past weeks have been completely geared towards exercise and diet research by yours truly. :-)

I walked in to my ($5 per month) gym one weekend and commented to one of the front desk staff about how intimidated I was by all of the equipment, AND I can't afford a personal trainer, which deters me even more. I've literally been immersed in youtube.com videos about how to properly use each machine, just so I didn't look like a fool when I finally got the guts to try some out.

The guy behind the desk was completely sympathetic to my irrational fears of the equipment! He said to come back and he would not only show me a few machines, but he could also give me some diet tips. Um, OKAY!

I went back the next week, and here is where the stars aligned for me.

The front desk girl said the guy I spoke with would be an hour late. I didn't have too much free time that morning, so she casually said "Have you used your free personal training session?". I had actually signed up MONTHS ago, but I didn't expect a call. I used to work the desk at a Gold's Gym in Virginia, and the trainers there would roll their eyes and complain about how people just wanted them to quickly show them every single machine, all the while whining about how they can't afford any more sessions after the free one.

I agreed to meet with the trainer that was there, who just happened to have free time on her schedule RIGHT THEN. She sat me down (and she was actually very kind), asked me about my goals, and I burst into tears.

I explained my neverending quest to be strong, HEALTHY, and knowledgeable, and my misery with myself is taking a toll on my marriage, and sob, sob, sob...

She just smiled and wrote one simple phrase onto a piece of paper.

Easy. Ha.

She then told me that I was one of the most open and genuine people she had ever met with. She asked me if I wanted to come back in during HER exercise time frame, and she would teach me the things I've been aching to know.

Since then, after we exercise together, she casually takes out her planner and pencils me in to come in and work out at the same time as her. Again. And again. I feel like I could cry as I'm writing this, because I really CAN'T afford a personal trainer. This girl (a STUDENT, nonetheless) is taking time out of her high intensity exercise regimes to HELP me.

I'm still juicing, but I also want to be strong. And healthy. And while I get used to rewiring my brain and changing my body, I will leave you all with this; JUST ASK.

Ask for help. Be real and genuine. Most people working in that kind of environment are there because they love exercise, being healthy, and they truly want to pass that along to people like you and I.

Just ask, and keep moving. :-)

P.S. The first day I met with the trainer, she gave me some homework and told me to bring in a printout of an exercise regiment. This is what we've been doing ever since: IT'S REALLY HARD.

Shopping Cart Workout.

A good friend of mine (who used to manage the daycare at my gym) now works at the market down the street from our house. I bumped into her while it was pouring rain and she was bringing in the carts. I commented on how much exercise she must be getting (trying not to make it obvious that she must be MISERABLE lugging shopping carts in while it was freezing and raining. And dark.). Her eyes lit up and she told me that she had lost TWO pants sizes since starting this job.

Well, hello!

Thus, I began my SCAW (shopping cart and workout) research.



1. Park as far away from the entrance as you can (unless, of course, it's night and you have kids with you... obviously).

2. If you don't have kids with you (and it's daylight), DON'T park near a cart return. That way, you still have to push the darn thing back. And if you don't, then you deserve that guilty feeling of leaving your cart in the empty space next to you. I've never done that, of course...

3. Grab a cart from the parking lot, preferably one with a wonky wheel (hey, working ONE side of your abs is better than nothing!), so you have to push it all the way to the store.

4. Use a cart, even if you only have a few items on your list. If I remember correctly, a grocery cart weighs about 50lbs (sound heavy? My toddler weighs 26lbs!).

5. Don't follow your list in order. For example, I usually write my grocery list as things run out. By the end of the week, I have a big messy list that runs me all over the store. Granted, it may cause problems if you keep passing the chip or cookie aisles, but if you stick on some running shoes (because, HEY, this is a workout), you may be able to stay a bit more focused!

6. Ditch the running shoes, wear heels. I know it sounds REALLY stupid (and I don't even like that word), but I can speak from experience. I lived in Virginia for a few years, and right down the street was a Wegmans.

Wegmans.



Why does it look like a church? Because it's meant for people who take food just as seriously as religion. Well, that's what I like to think. :-)

The pictures may not do it justice. It's like Disneyland for foodies, seriously.





Anyway, people treated this place like you were showing up for the red carpet. I would only buy groceries on the days I had actually tried to get ready, and I was almost always wearing heeled boots or high heels (no, not stipper heels, just NORMAL heels). I would leave Wegmans with a full cart and burning calves. Win-win.

Charlize...

Dita...


Emma Stone...


I probably won't EVER do this, but if it works, IT WORKS.

Gym Tunage.

I have a pretty extensive playlist for my gym time, but these songs make me want to fist pump on the treadmill with no shame.

Open up your iTunes, and sample these ditties.

1. Tarzan Boy by Baltimora (great warm up song while you walk on the treadmill).

2. Africa (Claudio Tignanello Club Mix).

3. Bulletproof (Manhattan Clique Remix Radio).

4. Let It Be (Beatles cover), album is "Hits of the Beatles (Non-Stop Mix for Cardio Workouts, Treadmill, Walking, Jogging, Elliptical and Stair Climber)".

5. Don't Stop Believing (Workout Remix).

Yeah, save that Journey song for last, it is SUCH a pump-you-up song!