Monday, June 24, 2013

Let's Try This Again, Shall We?

I apologize for deleting yesterday's blog post.  I had a REALLY bad day, and I thought that purging my thoughts in writing would be beneficial and therapeutic, but for some reason I felt like I rushed it and immediately regretted posting it for all the world to see.  I don't know if I felt too vulnerable, or if maybe I just didn't explain things as thoughtfully as I could have. 

Who knows.  So let me try again, and I promise this will stay up as long as the Internet exists for those lovely readers who have gone through a miscarriage, are scared of going through a miscarriage and want to know more, or for those of you who have stumbled upon my blog from wanting more info on juicing (and in that case, please go HERE, since this post will be unrelated to juicing and health in any way...).

My husband and I found out we were pregnant on May 8th.  It is also my mother-in-law's birthday, and after taking a pregnancy test (kind of on a hunch) at about 6am, it was pretty hard to call and sing happy birthday to her without exploding! 

We went to her house a week later for a birthday party, and since she kind of has baby fever by nature, I knew that if I refused a glass of wine or whatever was being served that she would immediately become suspicious.  So I went to Trader Joes and bought a cheap $2 bottle of wine, poured it out, replaced it with alcohol-free wine and brought it over, apologizing for the crassness of bringing over an open bottle of wine. :-)

The picture above is our first sonogram picture where the little bean measured 6 1/2 weeks.  We also got to see the heartbeat. 

We told our family at my daughter's birthday party (May 18th).  I bought her THIS cute little shirt and it was the last present she opened.  She had no idea why everyone blew up after she opened her shirt, but it was the best announcement EVER.  So fun.

My amazing sister-in-law (a photographer) took this picture just before the announcement.  She told me that she looked through the pictures during the party and thought "Oh man, Kristen kind of looks pregnant, she's going to hate these pictures!".  Oh, the irony.  

Moving on to the tough stuff.

I'd had some light spotting, which I'd never had with Syd, and as I was experiencing the bleeding my blood HCG numbers were being monitored.  My last recorded numbers went from around 200-300 to 900ish in a week and a half.  Those numbers should double every 48 hours.  Mine obviously didn't double, and since nobody raised the red flag, I was able to brush it off.  Numbers going up were better than nothing, right?

I went on a trip with my parents to Santa Cruz when I was just about 9 weeks.  My sister lives there, my mom grew up there. so we had a family/friend packed few days planned.  On the last day, I noticed some bleeding that looked a bit thicker than normal.  I told my mom that I needed to go to a hospital, just to ease my mind, so she took Sydney, and my dad drove me down the green mile.

Speaking of irony, my mom suffered a miscarriage at the same hospital I went to, and she was also almost 9 weeks along.

The ultrasound tech was a lovely lady with a heavy accent (Russian?).  I adored the accent, but did not appreciate the blunt, short comments.  "So, you saw heartbeat at your last ultrasound?  So, how far along are you supposed to be?".  I only gave her short answers, because my gut already knew the outcome.  She then turned the God damned monitor towards me and said "See?  You see this looks like baby?  But we see no heartbeat, and no blood flow around the fetus.  Baby is only measuring at 6 weeks."

NO.  It did not look like a baby to me.  It looked like Cthulhu, or that Zoidberg from Futurama.

And there we have it, folks.  No more baby.  I called Weston and told him there was no heartbeat after calling him a few hours earlier and telling him I was just going in for a checkup.

I got home on Sunday and called my doctor on Monday.  I had already researched my options, and I just wanted it out.  Do you realize what a MINDFUCK it is having something inside of you that is not alive anymore?  I went in that day and scheduled a d&c the next day.

I'd read the pros and cons from both options.  I just wanted it out, for my own sanity, and my only concern was having something go wrong and having future fertility issues.  My concern with the natural option was waiting up to a MONTH for my body to dispel the fetus and possibly hemorrhage during the process, THEN have to go through with a d&c anyway if it didn't all come out.

So here I am.  I've been dealing with telling my 4-year-old that there is no more baby in my belly, and my family who pretty much disowned me for my first pregnancy and was SO excited for my planned pregnancy that HEY,  sorry folks, maybe next time.

I appreciate the comments I get from personal posts like this.  Funny how I feel more comfortable telling strangers about life changing circumstances rather than my close friends on Facebook and such.


  1. I am so very sorry for your loss. I thank you for the courage to put your story on here for people to see. I think that being vulnerable in this way helps those who have been through/are going through the same things, feel like they are not alone. Praying for you and your family.

  2. *sending comforting thoughts for you and your family*

  3. Where do you buy this alcohol free wine you speak of and does it taste good?! I am a wine-o and have certainly been missing my occassional glass the past 11 weeks!

  4. I am so so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the heart break and I am sending good vibes and prayers your way.

  5. I am a complete stranger who happened here by chance today, but I just want to let you know that you are not alone! I had a miscarriage after three kids, and even though it feels so horrible at the time, you will be happy again. Everything happens for a reason. We conceived again shortly after the miscarriage, and have a little guy now who could not have been here if the first pregnancy had continued. Thanks for sharing your pain and honest feelings... I hope and pray that you find peace soon!

  6. I saw your juicing pictures on Pinterest and happened upon this post as well, I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult time you're facing.

  7. I've been through the same thing.... its tough. Just stay strong! I am so sorry for your loss and wish you the very best with telling your child and family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  8. I stumbled upon your blog from pinterest and read your post. I couldn't leave without posting. First, I want to say that I am truly sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and your loved ones. Second, I too have experienced a loss very similar to yours. The best advice I got was that having a miscarriage is the same as having a death of a loved one, and you should take the time to grieve!

    Thanks for sharing your story. I feel that too often society thinks it is taboo to talk about miscarriages, when actuality almost all women have had one. Being open about it is very courageous of you.

  9. I'm so very sorry. I, too, came here from Pinterest, and I, too have suffered from a miscarriage. You never really know how many women have had them until you've had one, and then you realize most women have had one. It's so hard, but you aren't alone. We were able to conceive shortly afterward, but if you don't, or can't, and you still want another child, there may already be a child out there that needs a loving mommy. Adoption is always an option.

    I hope you and your family can take the time to grieve.

  10. I have been reading your blog all morning as I am 1 week into a 45 day juice fast and was so sad to read this one. I hope you and your family are doing well :)